Out of the Loop

Today was Kai's 3rd soccer practice. Beau is the assistant coach, something he swore he wasn't going to do. He wanted to use the first soccer season to feel things out. Unfortunately, our team is in dire need of volunteers, so we both stepped up. Being involved is SO intimidating. Of course, I'm very involved with my kids. That's not the issue. It's being involved with other people that scares me senseless. Most specifically, strangers. I learned early on in life to adjust quickly to change. We moved a WHOLE lot up until I hit 5th grade. I bounced around to different High Schools as well, spending one of those years doing independent study. I made friends well enough, but I was always out of the loop. I never had history with my friends. My home life was almost always dramatically different from them as well. I was always envious of my friends and their connections to family and to each other.  Being an "outsider" always made me feel insecure. When I feel insecure, I tend to recede, and wish for nothing more than the comfort of what is familiar to me.

Over the past almost 12 years I've been married, 9 of those years have been spent in the same home. This is the longest I've ever lived in one spot. This is the only home my kids have ever known. One thing I love about Huntington Beach, is the sense of community. This is a fairly large city, but it's old. Everybody seems to know one another...truly. I see my clients out and about at the farmer's market, or while pumping gas. Everywhere I go, I hear a kid screaming Kai's name...or I have a mom telling me they know my husband and son from the park. It's a odd feeling for me, and it never gets old.

Last year, many of Kai's friends from the park and all of the local children's social gathering areas, started Kindergarten. The parks were empty, and the other social gathering spots were full of, in Kai's words,  "little kids". It was then that I took a moment to question my intentions. It was hard for me to refrain from projecting my own insecurities on Kai. We joined a homeschool group to give him the opportunity to build relationships with kids that are in the same boat. What a blessing that has been for all of us. It fulfills Kai's need for peer interaction, and my need to feel within my element.

Today, I showed up for soccer practice, and there was a new mom. One of the moms lives on the same street as us, so I knew her coming into the team. I had become acquainted with another team mom at the first meeting, and prior practices. Today, there was a new mom added to the mix. I walked up, and I froze. What? I'm 34 years old...grow up already, Angie!! I felt awkward, but I introduced myself after she initiated. Then, she turns and starts talking to my neighbor from down the street. They were talking about school, and parties, and the boys and their activities...blah blah blah. There I sat, out of the loop. I got up and took G to the playground. I talked to myself the whole way...talking myself out of the insecurity. I was receding, isolating myself so I could feel comfortable. I went back and forth several times, forcing myself to go to that place of insecurity.  Eventually, I joined the conversation. 

I have chosen to be a homeschooler. I knew that in doing that, I was going to have to make the extra effort to provide the proper social platforms for my child to grow as a person. I knew that meant I was going to have to step outside my comfort zone. When I set out to homeschool, I really had no idea how it would impact my life, and the lives of my kids. Today, I learned that I've allowed myself to get too comfortable in the bubble I've created. I can't grow and learn, if I don't challenge myself. I can't be an effective teacher, if I can't handle the challenges that come with homeschooling. 

Now, my next challenge is signing Kai up for Boy Scouts.